Saturday, 16 June 2012

The Battle...Here goes.

Not sure what I'm letting myself in for by posting this, it's not something I've talked about. I don't know how many people will read it, or even care but I guess you could say I'm taking a leap of faith... and that I'm writing it for my own good.

I'm finally going to admit publicly that I've struggled, the past couple of months... (well, years)... have been quite a journey and a battle for me. I've mostly struggled with myself, who I am, how I look, how I act and why I'm here. Truth is, I don't really know when I started to feel this way, because lately I don't know any different. I don't remember how it feels not to feel like this. To wake up every morning feeling anxious, not just of those around you and what they think, but of yourself. You could say I've not been myself for years, some people don't even know the real me because they've met me since I've been like this and felt this way.

I guess it started when my Granddad died, I couldn't control his illness or his recovery, and I couldn't control the grief and upset it made me feel when all of a sudden he wasn't around anymore. I needed to control something, and since my emotions were all over the place I controlled my diet. I've been doing it on and off for the past 4 years now but I'm still not happy with my weight or size. Last year was the first time I admitted to someone my fear, of gaining weight and of food itself. (Feeling really insecure now that I've just admitted that to everyone, is it pathetic? Stupid? Weird?)    I never really wanted to 'recover', I hid it from my family and my friends as much as possible so that no-one could force me to. I wanted to look in the mirror and like what I saw. It didn't matter if people complimented me, it was the negative comments I remembered. I was stubborn, and sometimes I still am.
I realise this has been quite a long post so I think I'll leave it there and hope for the best.
This discovering positivity is hopefully going to help me accept who I am and how I look, without caring what other people think (or what I think that they're thinking). All this time I've been searching for acceptance from other people, when the only acceptance I've truly wanted is my own, and the one that only really matters is Gods.

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