Tuesday, 3 July 2012

2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

Firstly I wanna thank all those who responded to my last post, it was so encouraging!!
I always get so nervous when blogging and thinking about how people will react or what they'll think when they read it. The amount of times I've proof-read and re-written this post is crazy, its taken me days! I think it's ready... Here goes...

Steps Forward...

If you'd asked me this time last year where I would be this year, the words; writing a blog about my battle and on the road to recovery, would not have come out of my mouth. I was in a dark place where I was extremely good at hiding things from people (which is still the case) and most of all, refused to even think about getting help with it. I still struggle today but I'm sure that one day, I'll be back to my normal self! (If that's not an attempt of optimism I don't know what is)
That's a step itself, that I feel like I can get better, that I will and that I've made the move and decision to get help. I know it won't be easy and some days I just feel like giving up hope...

... But I wanna encourage you with something that someone encouraged me with, God breaks chains! A chain has broken in me that's allowed me to post about this, and accept that I do need help, I can't do it alone. There are 3 amazing people that I could never have got this far without, 3 youth leaders. They know who they are and I appreciate everything they've done for me so, so much - I am so thankful for them! Without them, I dread to think where I would be now.

Steps Back...

Since I last posted my emotions have hit the roof a little bit. The thought of moving house has started to overwhelm me and bring me down, there are people I'm leaving behind that mean so much to me! Truth be told, I hate change. I hate the thought of the unfamiliar but I can't control it. (I guess that's what you get for being a Salvation Army Officer's Kid!) My biggest concern is that when I leave, I'll become non-existent to those I'm so close with and I'll just fade into the background and become a distant memory. 
- Convincing myself that this will happen probably hasn't helped with the thought of meeting up with people and going out with those who I'm usually so comfortable and close with becoming a struggle. While I make the journey to go and meet them, I become filled with anxiety and panic. Recently I've managed to just about get through social situations by distracting myself with art or clenching my fists or simply pretending I'm absolutely fine. 

I've hit a stage where I don't even want to talk about it anymore, I just want to blog, or draw. I just want it all to be over, and gone.

 I'm more determined than ever.

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