Friday, 12 October 2012

Yet another new start.

It's been quite a while since my last post, and a lot has changed since then!

My last post was so positive and life was feeling so good!!
I've not long moved to University down in the beautiful city of Exeter! Although, as beautiful as Exeter is, it's not been an easy start! Feeling a bit edgy about writing this post and always worried how people will react or what they'll think, nevertheless...

I've not been getting on well with some of the university aspects; clubbing, new people, the course and student living!
Trying to put it all off and think positively is starting to take its toll and the reality is starting to hit me. When I first moved into my flat, I became really good friends with one of the girls and found out she was a christian! I was so pleased and thought this year would be great as we would have each other. After a couple of weeks at uni, she decided it wasn't for her, and the other night she came and collected all of her stuff and dropped out.

It's not that I don't like my course, or that I don't like clubbing. It's that my course is pretty tough (makes me feel a bit dumb) and my flatmates want to go out at every opportunity and get absolutely wasted! - I like going out, but not every night!

My anxiety levels seem to have gone up again as I feel easily overwhelmed and unable to cope with my emotions and am getting very good at isolating myself in my room and only leaving if I really have to! I'm going to try and write on here more - I think it helps to get it out of my system. I'm very good at not admitting when I'm suffering and assuming I can just pull through by myself by brushing it under the carpet. I guess that's something I should work on.

We'll see how things change in weeks to come - I hate the unknown!

Sunday, 12 August 2012

The other side of the world, the other side of me...

Restored. Fulfilled. Blessed. Free. Just a few words to describe how I'm feeling right now.

I've previously blogged about some of the struggles I've faced in my life so far and one of them being about my self confidence and hiding who I really am. I just wanna thank everyone who has supported me through it all, I'm blessed to have you in my life!!

I've recently come home from spending 2 weeks in Zambia, Africa. (Which for the record was flipping amazing!) Whilst I was there I had so much time to just relax, think, reflect and spend time with God. I feel as though, when I was there my faith grew and I really do feel great!

The weirdest thing happened to me in the first couple of days... When at first I was feeling proper anxious and shy about being there alone, all of sudden this confident, bubbly and super crazy personality appeared - The girl thats been hiding inside all this time finally felt comfortable enough with the people around to break out of the shell.

Now I've come home, my journey continues and I'm hoping the person I was in Zambia with the team (my Africa family) will stay for good as I get used to my new surroundings in Felixstowe and as I move to University - Depending how Thursday goes!! I don't want this Sabrina to hide away again, I want her to stay. It's the me I want to be. I've found her.

More about Zambia!!
Although in the couple of months before the trip there was doubt whether I'd be going due to my anxiety, I made it! I really do have my family and God to thank for that, for putting me through the steps I needed to prepare me to get there without feeling unable to cope or overwhelmed!!
Whilst in Zambia, we saw some crazy things that have really changed my view on life in the UK. We visited people's homes, heard stories from street children and so much more! If only I could fit it all into one blog post!! Coming home is the weirdest culture shock ever, we have so much more than them there, yet we have so much more complaining here than they do. The live in houses the size of my bedroom with very little in them and people here complain about the weather!! It really changes your view on life and I think everyone should go to experience it!! If you're lucky enough to see me soon not only will you meet the real me but also, be warned, I will talk for hours about the trip :) !!

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

Firstly I wanna thank all those who responded to my last post, it was so encouraging!!
I always get so nervous when blogging and thinking about how people will react or what they'll think when they read it. The amount of times I've proof-read and re-written this post is crazy, its taken me days! I think it's ready... Here goes...

Steps Forward...

If you'd asked me this time last year where I would be this year, the words; writing a blog about my battle and on the road to recovery, would not have come out of my mouth. I was in a dark place where I was extremely good at hiding things from people (which is still the case) and most of all, refused to even think about getting help with it. I still struggle today but I'm sure that one day, I'll be back to my normal self! (If that's not an attempt of optimism I don't know what is)
That's a step itself, that I feel like I can get better, that I will and that I've made the move and decision to get help. I know it won't be easy and some days I just feel like giving up hope...

... But I wanna encourage you with something that someone encouraged me with, God breaks chains! A chain has broken in me that's allowed me to post about this, and accept that I do need help, I can't do it alone. There are 3 amazing people that I could never have got this far without, 3 youth leaders. They know who they are and I appreciate everything they've done for me so, so much - I am so thankful for them! Without them, I dread to think where I would be now.

Steps Back...

Since I last posted my emotions have hit the roof a little bit. The thought of moving house has started to overwhelm me and bring me down, there are people I'm leaving behind that mean so much to me! Truth be told, I hate change. I hate the thought of the unfamiliar but I can't control it. (I guess that's what you get for being a Salvation Army Officer's Kid!) My biggest concern is that when I leave, I'll become non-existent to those I'm so close with and I'll just fade into the background and become a distant memory. 
- Convincing myself that this will happen probably hasn't helped with the thought of meeting up with people and going out with those who I'm usually so comfortable and close with becoming a struggle. While I make the journey to go and meet them, I become filled with anxiety and panic. Recently I've managed to just about get through social situations by distracting myself with art or clenching my fists or simply pretending I'm absolutely fine. 

I've hit a stage where I don't even want to talk about it anymore, I just want to blog, or draw. I just want it all to be over, and gone.

 I'm more determined than ever.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

The Battle...Here goes.

Not sure what I'm letting myself in for by posting this, it's not something I've talked about. I don't know how many people will read it, or even care but I guess you could say I'm taking a leap of faith... and that I'm writing it for my own good.

I'm finally going to admit publicly that I've struggled, the past couple of months... (well, years)... have been quite a journey and a battle for me. I've mostly struggled with myself, who I am, how I look, how I act and why I'm here. Truth is, I don't really know when I started to feel this way, because lately I don't know any different. I don't remember how it feels not to feel like this. To wake up every morning feeling anxious, not just of those around you and what they think, but of yourself. You could say I've not been myself for years, some people don't even know the real me because they've met me since I've been like this and felt this way.

I guess it started when my Granddad died, I couldn't control his illness or his recovery, and I couldn't control the grief and upset it made me feel when all of a sudden he wasn't around anymore. I needed to control something, and since my emotions were all over the place I controlled my diet. I've been doing it on and off for the past 4 years now but I'm still not happy with my weight or size. Last year was the first time I admitted to someone my fear, of gaining weight and of food itself. (Feeling really insecure now that I've just admitted that to everyone, is it pathetic? Stupid? Weird?)    I never really wanted to 'recover', I hid it from my family and my friends as much as possible so that no-one could force me to. I wanted to look in the mirror and like what I saw. It didn't matter if people complimented me, it was the negative comments I remembered. I was stubborn, and sometimes I still am.
I realise this has been quite a long post so I think I'll leave it there and hope for the best.
This discovering positivity is hopefully going to help me accept who I am and how I look, without caring what other people think (or what I think that they're thinking). All this time I've been searching for acceptance from other people, when the only acceptance I've truly wanted is my own, and the one that only really matters is Gods.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Blog up and running!

So I've been thinking for a while about actually creating a blog thats not anonymous and never thought of the right time to do it. So here I am, making myself vulnerable to all those who will come across this.
I spent ages tonight deciding on an appropriate title and blog address when it hit me, my aim right now is to become more optimistic and 'look on the bright side' (because I'm usually such a pessimist) so I came up with a challenge for all those who read it, is your cup half empty or half full? And the address is, well, discovering positivity. Currently something thats challenging for me.
I'm not really a great writer but I'm going to try my best with this blog if you bare with me.
Hopefully this blog will encourage and challenge others as well as helping my own realisation and discovery in becoming a more positive and optimistic person!!
So thats the end of my first blog post.
Let the blogging begin!